18 Jan 2019

Navigating the back-to-school blues: tips from a child psychologist

From Karyn Hay Presents..., 2:25 pm on 18 January 2019

Kids' anxiety levels tend to go up as their return to school looms and parents need to make sure they're not contributing, says Dr Emma Woodward.

anxious girl

Photo: fasphotographic / 123RF

Dr Woodward suggests people use the Three Ps of positive psychology as a framework for talking to their kids about how they can challenge their own inner pessimist.

What's happening for a kid emotionally can be quite different from what their parent perceives, Dr Woodward says, especially if that parent is being triggered by memories of their own negative experiences from school.

Anxiety fuels overprotective parenting which, in turn, is a partial cause of why today's children are more anxious than ever, she says. 

"We're still yet to find that balance, I think."

Dr Emma Woodward

Dr Emma Woodward Photo: supplied

She says many parents aren't allowing their kids to take the physical risks required to explore and develop the boundaries of their own resilience.

To develop that, a child needs to know that they can cope with "minor peril" on their own, such as falling out of a tree, scuffing a knee or having a minor disagreement - in which they get to practice conflict resolution skills, Dr Woodward says.

Yet, for many reasons, parents often step in too quickly.

Faced with an upset child, it's extremely hard for a parent to not get "emotionally dysregulated" themselves, but a dysregulated brain can't help another dysregulated brain, Dr Woodward says. We need to be calm ourselves.

She recommends people try to be neutral and curious about what's happening for their child and hold back their own stuff as much as possible.

If you had a difficult time at school yourself, it's very easy to jump to the conclusion that if your child doesn't want to go they feel the same way you felt - and start parenting them as you would like to have been parented in the circumstances, Dr Woodward says.

thoughtful teenager

Photo: Public domain

Dr Woodward believes all kids should be taught at school about emotional regulation, resilience and conflict resolution, but parents will need to help out too.

Children think differently from adults and don't have the same ability to see as many perspectives or to rationalise, nor do they have as much life experience, she says.

Dr Woodward recommends The Three Ps – developed by the co-founder of positive psychology Martin Seligman – as a helpful framework for talking over 'negative events' and putting them in perspective, i.e.

How big is this problem? Is it really...

...permanent?

Our ability to accept and adapt for the future improves if we believe setbacks are only temporary – and not steps on a downward spiral.

"[You could say] 'It feels huge right now because your brain is telling you it's scary, but it's actually something we need to work with for a wee bit now and then you can do this.'"

Emma suggests putting your child's current worries into a historical context to show how can come and go.

"Last year you were worried too, but by week three you were enjoying it."

...pervasive?

It can be easy to assume the difficulty you're feeling now will seep into all areas of your life and all future events.

Talk about where this thought is not true. What evidence can you point to that says this thought is not based on real facts?

...or personal?

We blame ourselves for any challenging situation we've landed in unless we are shown that it is actually the result of forces separate from and beyond us.

Show your child kindly that it's not "all about them" and show them how that fact can be a comfort.

Learn more about how Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg used the Three Ps to move through grief here.

Related RNZ content:

How to become more resilient

Learning to cope through resilience

Here's a video explaining Michael Seligman's theory of 'learned optimism':

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