15 May 2017

Does Harry Styles have a Kiwi love child?

2:03 pm on 15 May 2017

According to his new song - maybe!



You might have noticed that Harry Styles, erstwhile One Direction member, released his eponymous first solo album over the weekend, and that it was a jam. Congrats Hazza!

But while most have been busy luxuriating in Harry’s dulcet tones and curious new rootsy style, we New Zealanders have noticed that the album has a little mystery - one that could have huge ramifications for our nation.

One of the tracks is called Kiwi.

“Wha?!” you cry, half-chewed pieces of pavlova flying from your mouth.

Yes that’s right. Harry Styles, one of the greatest and sexiest boy musicians on the planet, has namechecked us, the humble New Zealand people (or possibly the bird, or the fruit).

But why? The ever sultry Harry keeps his cards close to his chest. It is safe to say, however, that in this wack-a-doodle world there is no chance and something is definitely awry. Harry, beautiful Harry, has something to tell us - specifically us. What could it be?

To find out, we did a little digging.


Emma Ostilly, Taylor Swift, and Georgia Fowler.

Emma Ostilly, Taylor Swift, and Georgia Fowler. Photo: Unknown


Eagle-eared listeners will note that, while Styles does not use the word "kiwi" at any time during the song, it is about a tumultuous but sexually charged relationship with a young woman who could very well be the titular flightless bird. But which?

The number one culprit would appear to be Kiwi (!) model Georgia Fowler, with whom Harry was reported to have enjoyed a steamy fling in 2015. 

Yet there are also other possibilities. While scorned Styles ex Taylor Swift is not, herself, a "Kiwi", she does have a chummy relationship with our wee corner of the world - popping down from time to time, filming her 'Out of the Woods' music video here (a song purportedly inspired by Styles) and befriending our leading export Lorde.

Does Harry Styles consider Swift an honorary kiwi? And is it his place to bestow this honour? Certainly not, but knowing the rebellious Styles, anything is possible.

Also in the running is Emma Ostilly, an American model Styles romanced back in 2012. Then living in New Zealand, Ostilly was photographed making out with the then teen-sensation and later attempted to accompanying Harry back to his hotel. Could the Kiwi be their child, conceived right here on our lush soil?

All three are lovely young women, with whom Harry shared memorable New Zealand adjacent adventures - or, should we say, misadventures? This brings us to our next conundrum:


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Photo: Unknown

Apart from its mysterious subject, the song is significant for another reason - by raising the question of Harry’s familial growth.

Lamenting his lady love’s wild ways, the song’s chorus brings things to a head with the repetition of the line “I think she said 'I'm having your baby, it's none of your business’".

What could it mean!?

Genius user "lucluuu" helpfully offers the following interpretation:

“Harry goes to speak but gets interrupted by the woman, showing how she doesn’t care to what he is saying and is very persistent about the fact she is pregnant with Harry’s child.”

Very interesting.

While none of the women in question have any outwardly apparent offspring, with Styles or otherwise, the critical thinkers among us will not be dissuaded.

Swift, for instance, the least likely to have managed a covert pregnancy, has nevertheless dropped out of the spotlight in recent times with no public appearances and rare social media engagement in nearly 100 days. Could she be on BABY LOCKDOWN?

Ostilly meanwhile shows no signs of postnatal bloat in her many bikini instagrams - however given the liaison took place five years ago she would have had plenty of time to tone up that tummy. Is she an UNDERCOVER YUMMY MUMMY?

Fowler meanwhile faved ol mate Harry’s instagram of his Rolling Stone cover last month suggesting that the two still share a bond - is it the bond of POOLED GENETIC MAKEUP?

We can only hope.


No caption

Photo: Unknown

But before you start knitting tiny kiwiana booties take heed: Harry, as is often the case with young men, may not have been listening as carefully as he ought, and things seem a little bit uncertain.

I think she said 'I'm having your baby'”?

This, dear reader, does not a baby make. Yet with the mysterious ‘Kiwi’ seemingly determined to raise her child alone, it is more than likely that any babies to have come out of the union would have been birthed in secret with Styles himself none the wiser.

Is a tiny baby Harry Styles in our midst? Has our lovely little country been blessed with an honour greater than any we could ever have hoped for? Or did Harry mishear this rather important piece of information?

Only time will tell. With Styles set to perform at Auckland’s Vector Spark Arena this December as part of his world tour, he is no doubt planning to have a poke around to see if any missing spawn have found their way to our neck of the woods.  

And if he has? Then - and only then, dear countrymen - will the L&P flow.