Married at First Sight Australia is nearly over but the good stuff is just beginning. Bonnie Bryant recaps last night’s episode.
If you’re not watching Married at First Sight Australia at the moment, what are you even doing with your life on a Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night? (Probably a fucking lot).
Last night was the second-to-last episode. Questions are being answered. Who will stay together? Has Davina developed a conscience? Does Dean even know what feminism means? Will Troy’s laugh get its own spin-off show?
The penultimate episode opens, and John ‘Number One Judge’ Aiken tells a really good joke about the aim of the show being to create lasting partnerships. As he is one of the people who thought Jo and Sean would be a good match, I just can’t take him seriously. But here we go.
My girl Jo has her party shoes on (bejewelled platform jandals from her wedding that say ‘Foxy Mumma’, to be precise), and she is already eight beers deep and READY FOR THE DRAMA. I see you, Jo. I am here for it too.
Nasser gets his two cents in (basically his only contribution to the whole episode), by saying that he is so ready for the gossip, that he loves the gossip, and like, honestly Nasser, WE KNOW. You’re the biggest diva of the lot - we all remember the ‘haunted apartment’ debacle. Justin says he learnt a lot about himself through the experiment, but I’ve forgotten anything else he said because he’s just filler at this point. When you’re competing with Troy for entertainment value, you will never win. Alycia and Mathew are there (yeah, who?), so are Sean, Patrick and Charlene, Sarah and Telv, and Melissa and John, but none of them have much to say, and really, we’re all here because …Davina is BACK.
Davina already has her fingers in the drama, and she is staying true to her "NO RAGRETS" roots. She still thinks Tracey is ridic for being mad at her about the whole Dean-thing, she thinks Tracey’s new relationship (stay tuned) is the same as what she did with Dean, she says she “has spent 26 years doing me so I know exactly what I’m doing” which is in direct contrast to having to go on a show to find love, and she just generally shows an astonishing lack of emotional intelligence for a grown woman. She also keeps saying that she loves Ryan so much, ‘like a brother’ while he makes faces to suggest that if he was her brother, he’d hope to be adopted. Far away. He calls her a dork, and at this point, I’m just looking for someone to give me his phone number.
Sean, formerly of Sean and Blair fame, now of SEAN AND TRACEY FAME (the experts almost shat themselves at that revelation) waltzes in sporting a shiny gold jacket and frosted tips. So either Tracey is dressing him now, or he has found Westlife’s back catalogue on Spotify. Dean claims to know all about Tracey and Westlife Sean’s relationship, and all seems to be well until Sean loses his shit at Dean for harassing Tracey via text message. Dean ‘wow’s this to death, and Sean throws around profanity that I’m just not sure is appropriate for a member of the world’s best Irish boyband.
Tracey is cagey AF about the texts she’s sent to Dean so now I just feel bad for Sean because he has become a bit unhinged. Dean and Tracey have a great yarn about budgie smugglers, while Davina sidles up to Sean to make sure things are adequately stirred up.
So Troy and Carly are a couple now, and I just don’t know how to feel about it. Troy says of getting together with Carly ‘I just went in for the kill’, and honestly girl, if that’s not a warning, I don’t know what is. We’re exposed to a NEVER ENDING montage of the two of them in a park, kissing and rolling about on the grass, with Troy ticking Carly at one point and telling her she is "naughty, naughty, naughty", and I can only hope that one day Ashley sees that, and says a prayer to the goddess of fake tan that she said ‘no thanks’ to that life.
Carly apparently has a very talented tongue, but we’ve all seen the way Troy brushes his teeth, so I suspect he’d need a steamroller in his mouth before he thought anything was wrong. Ashley is PISSED when she finds out the news, and won’t even speak to Carly. So Carly calls her immature and goes back to Troy, while Davina sidles up to Ashley to make sure things are adequately stirred up, again.
I thought I was on the edge of my seat for this episode, but then I saw the preview for the final, and honestly, I might need some sedatives on hand. Although let’s be real, we are all here to see Dean, Tracey, Ryan and Davina on that couch tonight, and if I just take a shot every time Dean says ‘wooooow’ after being accused of something he definitely did, then the sedatives won’t be necessary.