Clear boundaries help children mature and families work well, says parenting coach Joseph Driessen.
He tells Kathryn Ryan what strong leadership looks like from a parent.
Photo: befunky.com
Some parents are very strict and demanding, while others are very liberal, approaching the task of raising a child as akin to growing a plant, Driessen says.
Veering to either of these extremes is not good.
"If you become too aggressive, authoritarian and angry, and say '[harsh discipline] never harmed me' … then you should listen to yourself. And think 'didnt it?'
"[On the other hand,] if you're too liberal and wishy-washy and you let your children get away with what they shouldn't, it doesn't do them any good.
"Children become anxious, oppositional and angry if they feel their parents are not doing their job."
As a parent, it's best to view your job as the coach of a team - and the coaching starts the minute you get up.
Coaching a child is much more effective than correcting them because in doing that, you make your expectations clear.
Aim to be coaching 90 percent of the time and correcting only 10 percent, Driessen says, showing the child over and over again what you want to see until they get it.
"Parents getting annoyed with their children for not doing things [properly], it's because the children haven't been coached enough."
Active coaching helps a child to feel that the parent is on their side and wants to help them, he says.
It involves praising them not only when they do something well but also for any signs of improvement, however small, so they come to associate positivity with working towards improvement.
All children defy and disobey, and while sometimes you can divert and distract them from this stance, there will always be times when a parent has to say 'this must be done' or 'this must stop now', Driessen says.
If a behaviour needs to change, first negotiate with the child, asking them for input on how it can be done. Then, if it carries on, there must be a consequence.
Don't be afraid of delivering consequences as they are part of providing good leadership, he says.
Time-out in their bedroom - with the door open - can be a good opportunity for a child to chill out and reflect.
If they're too young for time out, have some 'time in' where you sit with them in their room while they have a meltdown.
If your child's bedroom has descended into total chaos, don't expect them to make it over by themselves, Driessen says.
First, ask them how they feel about the state of their bedroom and how you can improve it together. Then develop a system of keeping it in order that they can manage and which you can coach them through.
Some kids are extremely wilful by temperament and in these cases, it can be useful to make a list of their rights and privileges as a member of the family. Then convert some of what they think are their rights - you cleaning up after them and giving them rides, etc - into privileges.
"[You might say something like] 'there's lots of privileges in this family which we give you because you take part in helping us to run the family'."
Parenting with good boundaries will include coaching with clear expectations, praising a child for what they do well, supporting them with what isn't going well and helping them look after their bedroom environment, Driessen says.
"Then gradually insist certain things must happen, and if they don't there will be some kind of [consequence] to make you put your listening ears on."
