Some children are born anxious and some learn to worry, learn how to worry from the very people who want to shield them from uncomfortable feelings.
Anxiety is contagious, and stressed parents and teachers can inadvertently pass on their stress to children.
Working together, kids and the people who love them can develop new strategies when worries invade, when hearts race, and when concentration seems impossible.
Photo: altanaka/123RF
Bestselling author Michael Gross and researcher Dr Jody Richardson offer techniques to manage anxiety and turn it into something empowering.
Their book is called Anxious Kids How Children Can Turn Their Anxiety Into Resilience.
How do you know when it's just something typical? And in when it's a problem?
It's natural and normal for children to have worries throughout different stages of their development, Richardson says.
What parents are looking out for is when the worries are really getting in the way of children's daily lives, their ability to participate, their enjoyment of life, their ability to do normal daily tasks, things like going to school,” she says
Anxiety is contagious, Gross says.
“What tends to happen is when kids become anxious, we become anxious and vice versa … so it becomes a bit of a dance, we sort of dance along.”
He says parents should respond, rather than react to their child’s anxiety.
Parents naturally want to reassure their children, but too much reassurance is counter-productive, Richardson says.
“The right thing to do is to first recognize if anxiety might be at play, to really empathise with their child, … help them to do some really deep breathing, which helps to calm that part of the brain that's going into sort of hyper alert and in terms of looking for looking for threats.”
Don’t say to the child 'get over it', Gross says.
“One of the things that kids want from us as parents is they want us they want us to get it or to understand. So, at the very least we need to recognize that anxiousness is a real thing. “
Empathy is important, he says.
“Empathy as your first response is really important for kids. Sometimes we want to fix things up and we can’t always fix things up for kids. But what we can do is support them and help them feel comfortable with these uncomfortable feelings.”
It’s also fine for children to understand they have anxiety and that it can be managed, says Richardson.
“When children understand what it is that’s causing them to be anxious, and what's happening in their brain, it brings them a lot of relief.”
Once they recognise what is happening they can then start to use tools to manage it, she says.
"You know, it's very frightening when you feel anxious as a child, you don't understand why you've got a feeling of dread. You’re very worried you're frightened, and you don't understand what's causing it.
“And it's only when they can understand what's happening, can they start to use some of the tools that we suggest, to help them to manage it.”
Chief among these is deep breathing, they say.
We've talked a bit about empathizing and validating their feeling as well, it's something that you recommend, and then a simple one, remind them to breathe.
“The quickest way to relax is to take some big, deep belly breaths.”
Taking deep breaths is a first response to anxiety because it has a physiological response.
“It calms the amygdala down.”
They both stress the importance of free play.
They learn negotiation, they’re problem solving, they're compromising, they're also making sure being everybody's being very included,” Richardson says.
Free play also helps children assess risk, Gross says.
“Younger children will take little risks when they're in a playground, when they’re climbing monkey bars. Older kids will often take risks when they’re moving around their local environment.
“That is when we learn to face our fears.”
Digital activity stimulates the brain rather than rejuvenates it, Richardson says.
“When our kids are constantly stimulated through screens through, games through constant imagery and video, that makes a difference to the brain activity the brain is constantly stimulated and on.
“And we can't be like that all the time, none of us can, we all know as adults that we need our down time.”
And when your children are displaying signs of anxiety, don’t try to offer false reassurance, Richardson says.
“It's about managing it, turning the dial down on anxiety, moving it to sort of background noise, and getting on with living a really rich and full life. And the anxiety simply comes along for the ride.”
