How to talk to kids about fatphobia

The word 'fat' has been weaponised against people living in bigger bodies and it's time we stripped away its negative connotations, says American journalist Virginia Sole-Smith.

She helps parents counter the idea that fatness is a moral failing in The New York Times best-selling book Fat Talk: Coming of Age in Diet Culture.

Despite her best intentions, even former first lady Michelle Obama helped perpetuate fatphobia with her 2010 Let's Move! campaign, Sole-Smith tells Kim Hill.

In promoting diet and exercise as a necessary response to the "childhood obesity epidemic", the campaign made many American schoolchildren feel shamed.

"For any kid in any of those classrooms who was in a larger body, that child is sitting there going, 'Oh, the First Lady and the president of my country think that my body is a problem to solve, they think that there's something wrong with me."

Rather than focusing on childhood obesity itself, we need to remove barriers to healthy eating, such as food insecurity, and promote a diverse range of bodies as normal, she says.

"When a family tends to be thin, we're quick to say, 'Oh yeah, that's just genetic, they're thin. There's nothing wrong with that. That's just how they're built'.

"But when a family tends to be fat, we're looking at 'well, what went wrong? What are they doing wrong? What's the problem there with those people's bodies?"

It's not news that buying and preparing so-called healthy food costs more money and time than many parents have, Sole-Smith says.

"That requires somebody to have the time to grocery shop, the time to meal-plan, the time to execute these recipes and put these meals on the table. When you're a working parent feeding kids, whether you're a single-parent household, a low-income household, or even parents with plenty of resources but just not a lot of time ... actually executing that vision of healthy eating can be really, really difficult."

Sole-Smith feels privileged to be able to help set up her own children for healthy relationships by applying a concept called division of responsibility to family mealtimes.

In this model, developed by dietician Ellyn Satter, parents are in charge of when and where meals happen and also what foods go on the table.

"That would include serving a variety of foods, of course, fruits and vegetables and 'healthy foods' but also treats alongside that ... all of them in a sort of neutral context. Then once you get the food to the table and you say 'Right, it's dinnertime,  everyone come to the table.'

"Your child is in charge of how much they eat, whether that's three servings of pasta, no servings of broccoli, only chicken ...You let them figure that out themselves. And you even let them decide on the foods you've offered. Which foods are they going to eat at this meal? They don't have to eat something of everything."

If parents help children stay in tune with and trust their own bodies, they can learn to be quite discerning, Sole-Smith says, and not always go for the junk food.

"If there's a lot of anxiety in the household about how bad these foods are for you and how it's so terrible that kids eat them ... children then behave like they are out of control around these foods and want to eat as much of them as they can when they do get access. That is a feature, not a bug. Our bodies are wired to try to break through those sorts of restrictive rules and make sure we have access to food.

"Let's remember, too, that glucose is fuel for children. They need a tremendous amount of glucose to build their brains. It can come in lots of different forms, it doesn't have to only come in the form of candy. But we don't need to demonise sugar when it is in fact essential to them in a lot of ways. We need to stop viewing sugar as the bad guy.

"When you start to take a more balanced approach to it, when sugar is on the table, it's part of meals. it's not something to fear. It's not something we have a lot of anxiety over. You will see even the foods that are heavily marketed to kids, the sugary cereals, the cookies, the chips, things like that, you will see kids be able to hone in and think 'Do I really like this or do I kind of take it or leave it?' They'll get really selective about which sugar they get excited about."

If a child says "I'm fat", Sole-Smith suggests parents first ask what makes them bring that up.

Then, if they are fat, affirm that: "Yeah, that's great. We know lots of great fat people, being fat is not a problem." If they're getting teased for it or feel safe going to school, though, you'll need to step in and advocate for them and support them.

If the child saying "I'm fat" actually isn't, parents should try and understand what they associate with fatness.

"Sometimes we say 'I feel fat' when we mean I feel mad, or I feel stressed, or I feel tired or hungry. There's other feelings underneath that. And so giving kids that language to talk about what's really going on can be useful."

She recommends helping kids to develop critical thinking skills towards the content they're consuming. When you see fatphobia in the media, it can be good to call that out in front of your kids.

"There's a lot of children's media where fat characters are still routinely teased or demonised in some way. You can name that with your kids and say 'I really don't like how they're treating the fat person, they shouldn't be the butt of every joke. What do you think about this?' 

"Start to help kids build these critical thinking skills around how bodies are talked about around them. And then you're gonna see your kids really be off and running with this concept and able to navigate all of this a lot better."

For fat kids, finding positive role models on social media can be a lifeline, she says.

"It can be a way to say 'Hey, you love running. Let me show you Martinus Evans, this incredible 300-pound marathon runner. You love rock climbing, let's find a fat rock climber, let's find a fat dancer to follow so you can see people who look like you living joyful, full lives."

Getting rid of the bathroom scales is also a good idea.

"We don't need to be weighing kids with the frequency we do. We don't need to be weighing ourselves with the frequency that we do. And we don't need to be giving that number so much power.

"Scales are also quite dangerous to kids in terms of what they can represent and how kids can become fixated on them. So it's really something to think about. If you're going to have it, I would recommend keeping it stashed in a closet where your kids are not encountering it daily."

Although Fat Talk is geared towards parents who raising kids in bigger bodies, Sole-Smith hopes that teachers and doctors will also get something from the book.

"I definitely want this to be a resource for parents of fat kids because parents of fat kids experience so much shame and stigma and do have special work to do to make their kids feel safe and loved in their bodies.

"But I also want parents of thin kids to read this book, because we have a really important job to do in raising thin kids to be good allies to folks in bigger bodies. And in raising our thin kids to understand that they may not always be thin, bodies change, and that's normal and not something to be feared, or to feel bad about."

Since Fat Talk came out in April, Sole-Smith says she's been hearing from plenty of trolls, but they're eclipsed by readers talking about the positive impact it has had on them.

"I'm hearing from doctors, I'm hearing from researchers and I'm hearing from teachers that all think this is going to help me do my job better, and, you know, provide better care, make my classroom safer.

"This is something that so many people in those professions have been wrestling with. And this is giving them a way to start the conversation. So that's super exciting."