Magic is replaced by technical mastery in Robert Zemeckis' unoriginal remake of an 82-year-old film classic.
Tom Hanks should have run for the hills from this turkey, says Simon Morris.
The original Pinocchio was an Italian children's book, hugely popular at home, despite its rather dark, gothic tone.
But the story's best known for Walt Disney's 1940 movie, brilliantly re-imagined and, for many critics, one of the greatest animated features ever made.
Every change was an improvement, every decision proved to be perfect. And the correct thing to do with such a film is to Leave It Alone.
But no.
Veteran director Robert Zemeckis (of Back to the Future and Who Framed Roger Rabbit fame) was roped in to do a live... well, live-ish - remake, starring Tom Hanks as the toy-maker Geppetto.
Nothing against Tom, an actor whose heart is generally in the right place, and who's already done good service for Disney by playing Walt himself in Saving Mr Banks.
But he should have run for the hills from this turkey.
It's astonishingly close to the original in parts. Some sequences are shot-for-shot digital facsimiles of the work of Disney's crack animators Ward Kimball, Ollie Johnston, Frank Thomas and the rest.
The only things missing are flair, originality, energy and wit. Magic, in other words, is replaced by technical mastery and hollow polish.
But it's the parts that deviate from the original that seem to have infuriated the critics.
The new Pinocchio is only 20 minutes longer than the 1940 version - less if you take out the interminable credits at the end.
But it feels a lot longer. And each deviation makes you wonder why they did it.
Why have an added seagull called Sofia? Why the teacher for just one scene? Why does the fearsome Stromboli have a wan puppeteer with no other purpose other than to offer stringless Pinocchio a heavily stringed love interest?
Suddenly you're asking a lot more questions than Disney Plus intended.
They also dropped the ball with the story's villains - Honest John the Fox, and his mute companion Gideon the Cat.
This is the original - a scene I regularly use to illustrate every so-called shortcut ever employed in the film business.
And this is the new version, a laboured effort by everyone concerned - you suspect Keegan-Michael Key may be making it up as he goes along.
The 1940 Pinocchio is a classic but also a personal favourite. So why would anyone think of tampering with it, let alone cobbling together such a clunky caricature?
It's as if someone remade the Mona Lisa in 3D with a clockwork motor and a light dusting of cheese.
The least helpful complaints about this Pinocchio are that it's "woke" - meaning it's got a few more women in it, and some of the cast aren't necessarily white.
Honestly, that's not what's wrong with it.
It's not even that it's awful. It's that they shouldn't have made it at all, and the person who ordered it should have been fired.
When Tom Hanks - good sport that he is - set out to sell the thing, he suggested it was bigger and improved.
But it was already bigger and improved, or rather unimprovable.
Still, Tom's right about one thing. Great movies last forever. So, leave them alone.
Both Pinocchios, incidentally, are available on Disney Plus. I expect you to choose wisely.
